Since the last time I posted here on blogspot, well you could say that nothing happened in my relationship so far, up til now I guess...
Had a fight... yeah that was like... I duno an hour ago, half an hour ago... it was something dumb perharps... but the main point was that he couln't understand me, and he thought it wasn't a big deal but it was a big deal for me actually... I guess he really don't get me? or mebbe he doesn't want to.... or mebbe he don't give a shit about it.
Usually at home when i feel sad i stay in my room, roll around on my bed, draw on my table... but now i dont have a place of my own. everything is like not mine even though its supposed to be mine, or shared with me in any way... i feel lonely, unwanted, uncared, alone. Since i am not at home, i left the house that was so called mine shared along with him and his zoo... I guess... I just left, that door i opened was so new to me, i never dared leave home to take a fresh air, but today i just did because theres nothing i wouldnt dare anymore. what do i have to lose? him, but the current him doesnt even bother come near me and he walks away now that i am home. But when i left he did chase me, but his rage overcame the me and there i walked down the path alone. i wander and wander wondered where i could go... i felt like a homeless, i am homeless? i have a home but its a home that doesnt welcome me? The door was left unlocked, suppose he did it for me so i could re-enter, but whats the point to that if he doesnt talk to me?
i gave him a chance, more like i tried to test him. i went in his room and stood near him, he stared at me for a few seconds and returned to his usual business. Youtubing i guess, well he could always go and play piano by himself and learn to do better but yeah he prefers watching others to gain more knowledge and be like them maybe? He just stood near me a second ago. I guess i have to LOL in my heart because he didn't have any reactions just now. Just looked. i fear that look, i don't get it.... i dont get what that look was supposed to be or was suppose to mean.
Just now he just talked to me. Laame...............................................................................................
hes bringing our convo nowhere, if we keep on talking we would prolly get another fight or something... i thought that his temper would be gone, i underestimated him... Sigh... hes saying that im blaming him. am i really blaming him...... am i? i never said that it was his fault, i just said that he didnt chase me and i walked alone by myself basically... why doesnt he come to me... i remember that... he always said that he always ran after me.......... after fights and all, then for a while i learned to be more coorperative and decided to run after him sometimes... well i can say its tireing, i know he feels tired so do i... this time i want him to run after me.
Is it cuz were not meant to be. is it... was it too early. perharps, he said it already once that he wasnt feeling ready for us... i was the one who ran after him on first place, he was confused and said yes... LOL? lol indeed... about our marriage, was it a LOL too? he wanted it at first place,, i guess feelings do change after all... maybe i do feel insecure, or i dont like staying being a bum at home doing nothing for now, and hes also at home doing nothing no job no nothing.
this is going nowhere right... nowhere i guess i just have to shut up and press PUBLISH POST.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
No comments:
Post a Comment