~ In the Shell ~

I am going to move to the States on June 11 2008. Sounds far, but time passes really quickly. From the day I met him, my fiance, it felt like it was just a few weeks ago. But of course, feelings (more precisely, exciting feelings) fade and our relationship became like a normal couple's everyday relationship. It's pretty hard living away from each other. One in the East and the other in the West. Soon enough I'm going to marry him and we are going to live together finally. To this point, this post sounds kind of sad right? Not really, I am really really happy because I thought my whole dream wouldn't go well, but after all things went smoothly like water... But only one thing annoys me.

No, my fiance loves me, I do feel secure,... do I?
My family knows already that I am going to move to the States and get married over there. We are going to hold a farewell/congratulations party and apparently my mother is going to pay. I do feel bad, since it's my wedding I should be the one paying along with my fiance, but sadly I don't have that much money to spend. But it's our last dinner, should I pay then? The total should be around a few hundreds of dollars... Anyhow, that's not the main problem. The main problem is... I have a feeling, some feeling that I really don't feel comfortable with.

Oscar's family is, how should I put it, like scrambled eggs? It looks nice, but everybody is separated. The father doesn't seem to care much about the family, he does care but not with his whole mighty heart. I bet he's fed up with his kids... The mother is the warrior of the family. She has so many things to take care of (they own a restaurant) she doesn't put much time in raising the kids anymore (they have 3 kids, my fiance, a sister and a little brother).
She used a lot of time to raise Oscar up since she had time in the beginning. I guess she hadn't opened her restaurant yet at that time. That's why the normal kid is Oscar heh. After that, she hasn't had time teaching life's morals and values to the little ones.
The sister is like the mother. Smart, clever and successful in life. At an extent though, since she's not very social especially with family members and she has anger management (I swear even I am afraid of her and I'm older).
The little brother is a complete A-hole. Sigh, I have no hopes for him. In the beginning when I heard all those legends about the brother, I thought to myself that the kid couldn't be that horrible! I thought that I could change him, but I guess I will always be naive. I did change him a little bit, but he's still the same egoistic brat that has no respect for anybody.

Well that's for the into. Anyways, the main point is that the mother likes me (what Oscar said!) but in the end she wants our marriage to be a secret for her family. Why? She has some pride, and feels shameful that her son isn't graduated from university and has no good job and he wants to marry. I guess he has no choice because... well marriage was a good option for me to come over to the West. But I don't want our marriage to be only a convenient tool between us. I didn't marry Oscar just because I want all those U.S. resident privileges... I also love him!
I guess she hasn't thought about that point, and yes people will always think about themselves first. The other main point is that Oscar has nothing to say. He's pretty easy going (so is his mother) and he didn't object to that thinking (secret marriage). I feel kinda sad about it... I mean, what's so secretive about our relationship. We love each other, we want people to know. Oh well, I guess what matters the most is we have a marriage certificate and the end. I can work, go to school and make a living.
Wait until her relatives ask why there's a woman living under their roof for so long.
"What a bitch! living under your roof for so long? Did she pay rent at least?"
"Oh, haha it's OK as long they love each other."
I doubt she will tell people we married in those kind of situations. Maybe in the end after we graduate and find a good job, she will finally and surprise people that we were already married, OR that we are going to get married.

Sigh, I have nobody to talk to about my feelings... I don't want my mother to feel bad for me and I am afraid my fiance will be mad or be in a difficult position after he learns about my feelings.

Heart's content... I really do like this blog's name.

I hope to have a... happy marriage. Once only in a lifetime hopefully.